Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Table for two as usual sire? prompted the waiter dressed with a classic single-breasted, two-button suit in navy blue as he held a thick receipt booklet.
Oh yes. Looking sharp as always Wally, that’d be splendid. Over by that corner with the glass overlooking Westminster Street please? Ryan replied.

Back at you. This way please, there’s rather been an interesting development, where’s miss… Wally added as he ushered me to the table.

I’d rather you not bring it up, bring me this instead; a platter of scrambled peppered eggs and a cup of cappuccino. A piping hot liquid mess. The way she loves it. Ryan interrupted.

Westminster Street. A premier business district in the heart of London, tall skyscrapers made second home to worn-out husbands who work tirelessly round the clock to meet the growing demands of the modern woman; only to be married to them. Amidst the countless traffic junctions and busy roads herein lies Tiffany’s, a quaint, old cosy coffee boutique. Stuck in time, the boutique stood erect for decades untouched by the plight of modernity, it refused to accept change and progress. Old red bricks against the clean slate of dull greys and Mondays. Vintage as its finest.

The first morning light came in from the glass panel where Ryan had himself seated and famished, lost in a deep thought. The light bounced back from his wrinkled temples, exposed his weary outlook on life. He looked for something tangible and symbolic to hold on to.

He picked up the fork on his table.

Now what can i do with this fork besides the conventional put-in-your-mouth and chew whatever’s that sticks on it? Imagine the implications if I were to inflict harm on myself. That would be absurd aye? How am i ever going to forgive myself? How is she going to forgive me? For the immense hurt I’ve inflicted on her myself. Nothing can ever compare to that. Nothing. He invested a considerable amount of interest in the metal fork; obsessed even, twirled it around like a kid in a candy store as he waited for his breakfast.

I don’t know why. Ryan placed the fork aside and wondered how he used to smile, how he looked across the table with the bundle of joy that was Leona, staring back at his eager dreamy eyes, gleaming with nothing but happiness. I just don’t know why. The seat was across him was nothing but an empty seat to him now. Ryan felt a gaping hole in his heart. Nothing.

Leona used to fill that gaping hole. She was the average, run-off-the-mill plain jane. A girl next door. Short brunette with a smile wide enough to take Ryan’s worries away. They used to be an odd couple, driven by the fact that Ryan had a line of beauties who could pass off as his partner. Leona was not befitting for him. As the saying goes, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. Ryan had no eyes for others. None other than Leona. Many had eyes for Ryan and he ignored all of them. Ryan and Leona were not even an official couple.

They were just friends.

I caved in emotionally. I pushed for more. I demanded something i craved and longed for. Love, what do i even know about it? Thinking it was harmless but on its own, it has that destructive power to ruin even simplest of things; trust and friendship. What couldn’t be more beautiful that the joy of friendship? What have i done? What have I destroyed? Deep down, all i ever want was to have someone to talk to, to share the simplest of joy, the plight, sadness that life has to offer. I made this mistake without weighing in on her feelings, what she would feel from my demanding nature. I failed. I will outgrow it eventually, even now this breakfast I’ve ordered was your favourite.  I wonder how she will recover from this. If be, I hope she does. With time i hope. Apologizing doesn’t even mean a thing now. I will rebuild myself one day. She rebuilt me, I destroyed myself. I’ve destroyed everything.

Scrambled peppered eggs and a piping hot Cappuccino. According to your specifications sire. I’d best on my way while you enjoy your breakfast. Wally said as he placed breakfast on Ryan’s table.

That’ll do. Thank you Wally. Ryan replied.

Breakfast is served. It isn’t for me. I served myself a platter of regret and disappointment.
This is how I will remember you.
 Of scrambled peppered eggs and Cappuccinos. Ryan thought.

Ryan looked out of the glass panel, among the sea of men and women draped in trenchcoats across the street he saw Leona.

As happy as she could be.

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Rethink

Now this is one of my few rare moments where i get to sit down in front of the laptop with a nice cup of ceylon tea, vintage 80’s playlist set on Spotify and the ever cluttered WordPress’ dashboard staring back at me. Here it is, placing my fingers on my bacteria-infested worn-out yellowish keyboard waiting for my every keystroke; translating my thoughts and feelings into words specially for curious readers like you.

You have been forewarned, I’d like to make this post a very personal one so my full-blown emotional retardedness will come into light.

A couple of “i will tell this to my kids what happened during my NS life” events happened just within a span of two weeks. I would have to say it was the magnum opus of “holy shit this didn’t just happen but it did oh yeah just fuck it”. Unfortunately i am not allowed to disclose anything here. Classified stuff , too bad we’re all bounded to an oath. I’m still reeling from all the excitement. Now is there a second time to it? How about a third? Three time’s a charm they say. Anyway, just 1 and a half more months to go. I need a job pronto.

That isn’t exactly the point i’m bringing across here. Not about my magnum opus.

This isn’t a self-pity post. It’s about the hot issues i need to straighten out on my own. Over the years, i’ve done my best  to be self-aware, to try to be empathetic and tweak my EP(emotional prediction) to curb any damage done unto my friends and relationships. I admit i’ve made mistakes. Many bridges were burnt down, with no way to mend the friendship that held us together. I admit i burnt some of them. Call me heartless.  Rethinking friendships…sometimes is healthy.

The foundation of friendship/relationship shattered within a day. If it happens, it happens. There is definitely a reason why it happened. I may or may not know the reason. But there is, there always is. I accept things as it is. I happened to come across a quote somewhere in camp a few days ago; “Cities take years to build, it takes a blink of an eye to take it down. Build it anyway”. It goes something like that or somewhere along the line.

This made me think. Why build friendships and relationships knowing the possibility that it will burn one day, why build it? Was it worth it to give it a shot? Was it to give our hearts a temporary shelter amidst the dust that hasn’t been settled for our past mistakes? Or were we learning to love again?

Think.

As i silence this heart, i look back at the good it gave, the good it received. Turn them into memories because that makes it so worth it. Once in awhile  someone comes into your life to save us. To steer us back, mend us. Breathe life into us once more. Thank them for that. Thank them for everything.

You and me, the leaves of autumn

a sea of change
like leaves falling in the autumn
comes a standstill all too strange
how did we even reach rock bottom?

stop and take a good look
how time stole what we built?
every beginning has its end
we were told we weren’t meant

get a good grip on reality
the leaves have turned grey
even it has reached its own finality
never again to see another day

we hope on an empty promise
a promise to cast away our fear
now look again, my dear
how can we even be this hopeful?

time had taken its toll on us
look, we have to clean this mess
you and me, the leaves of autumn
will we find a way to heal one another?